OCPD Community

Tips for Getting Support from Friends? Loved Ones Only
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Junior Member 2 posts Hoping Junior Member 2 posts
Hoping
Anyone have tips for navigating a couple's mutual support network, when everyone seems to think your spouse is an angel? I'm committed to sticking it out in our marriage for as long as I can, but I think that I'm going to need a support system locally - maybe someplace I can spend the night when he can't back down - in order to be able to set anything resembling healthy boundaries.
 
We're in a small town and most people love him and would have a hard time understanding what happens at home. Unfortunately, I sometimes argue with him or put him down without intending to when we're with our best friend because I don't stand a chance (verbally) when we're alone, but I'm sure it makes me look bad and I'm always embarrassed about it afterwards. Anyway, I've gotten so used to hiding our real problems, I don't know how to approach friends to ask for support without undermining him or... Ugh. Suggestions?
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BillyBeGood Junior Member 24 posts
BillyBeGood
You definitely need a support network. A few things I’ve learned the hard way.

1-If people have no experience with mental illness and especially living with someone who has mental illness and the emotional abuse that comes with it, they just can’t understand. I’ve had a few friends that took the time to listen and understand as best they could, but even then I saw the questions on their faces they didn’t ask. They stood by me though. Unfortunately they were outside my group of joint friends with my wife. So my advice is choose wisely and maybe look out side of the joint friends because they won’t understand. They see only the best version of them.

2- accept that they might not understand. But as long as they will sit with you in your pain and support you then it’s enough. A lot of the things I tried to explain to my friends sounded like normal marriage problems to them. They don’t understand how a person can gaslight, blame, manipulate and generally lack accountability and empathy so much that it takes normal marital problems and turns them into a nightmare where you start to question your sanity and reality. Because they don’t believe you you might start to gaslight yourself and Question yourself and and not believe what your I sticys are telling you.

3- trust your instincts and your reality. It feels off because it’s off. It’s not you. You’re not crazy.

4- I recommend getting a therapist that focus on personality disorders, or narcissism and that also focus on trauma. If they can explain back to you what you’re experiencing better than you explained it to them, then it’s someone to consider. Find a good fit. Maybe do some trauma work. There’s a good chance you have CPTSD.

Good luck! Hang in there.
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